Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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