i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
