i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
