I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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