my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
