she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
