I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
