No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
