Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
