im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
