note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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