when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
