FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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