I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
