Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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