I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
