Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
