my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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