My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
