that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Randomize
