the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
