I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Randomize
