Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
