Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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