I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Randomize
