I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
