It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
