When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
