I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
