So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
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