Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
