and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
