I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
