I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
