Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
