Duck Duck Cougar?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
