how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
And then my night got REAL pukey
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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