Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
