I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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