he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
