ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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