Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
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