we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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