So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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