he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
