Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
