my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
