Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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