he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
