what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Randomize
