Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I just gargled with NyQuil
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
